Recently I watched "life is but a dream" the documentary about Mrs. S. Carter. People say that she was self absorbed *blank stare* it's a documentary about her life. If she bs'ed and pop stared that shit out I personally would have been annoyed.
I am not a stan or a hater. I like a lot of her music, the way that she guards her privacy and family. I really admire her work ethic and business acumen (though sometimes wonder if she was created by the government).
Anyway, I thought the documentary was interesting and showed a number of sides of her that are not typically seen.
You see her being pissed (though I kinda wanted her to throw something), sad, happy, truly madly deeply in love with her hubby and that gorgeous baby Blue. She even said "Shit" (I would have preferred she said Fuck but I'll take it).
One thing that kinda got under my skin was listening to her speech pattern which I don't think she can help. It's always been a bit "off" to me. It's those short clipped sentences and the wide eyeness that's a little annoying...And sometimes makes me feel like she's being disingenuous. But anyway I really enjoyed watching her special particularly the MacBook diaries.
Journaling is something that can be transformative but in this digital age I wonder who (aside from my crunchy, granola, spiritual peeps) actually engages in such an archaic practice.
Maybe we feel no need because we have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter to gush and emote all over the damn place. Maybe we are so out of the present moment that we don't take time to check in with ourselves. I dunno...but part of my personal development this year is being more present.
It's a huge part of my personal work. So huge that I'm in a research study to help me figure out how being caught up in my thoughts, emotions is helping to prevent me from getting what I want out of life.
As I've been documenting a bit here I'm in a new relationship and there are very few things "wrong" with this partnership. He's not perfect and neither am I'm realizing that we don't have to be!
He's probably the most normal and emotionally healthy guy I've ever dated. Soooooo of course the fact that things are going well has my anxieties and insecurities on overdrive.
I obsess about dumb shit. Don't stay present. Pick fights with him at times (usually right after I've done something that leaves me feeling vulnerable). Worry, worry, worry about EVERYTHING which is....You guessed it keeping me from being present.
So I was watching Queen Bey all wide eyed and sans lighting and makeup and thought....That's it! You have a MacBook AND a camera phone. Open Photobooth and work this shit out!
The first time I did it I felt stupid. I rambled, my cell phone was going off. I realized that I had booger in my nose etc. BUT I thought "this is my computer nobody has to see this go for it!".So I did. I talked and talked and talked and wouldn't you know I started feeling better! By the to time I was done I felt lighter.
Then I went to go play it back and realized that the damn sound didn't record. Dah well....What are you gonna do right?!
Despite these initial glitches, I'm pleased to report that this is quickly becoming my favorite way to process! I'm able to be my own therapist. I can play it back and realize, "ok ok ok you are tripping" or "hell yeah that was not ok".
It's fucking awesome. I love it. I'm also realizing that this method will prevent the "home girl burn out".
You know how you call your friends when your partner pisses you off. Well most of the time they side with you...Right?
The problem with a relationship home girl vent is that it's such a slippery slope because you can forgive the offender much easier than they can.
I'm not saying don't tell your friends anything but I'm learning to be more selective. Sometimes things are best left between you and your partner (and your webcam)!
Plus 9 out of 10 times they probably feel like "she does this all the time", "I don't know why she keeps doing this and then being mad when she doesn't get what she wants".
I mean that's what friends are for BUT another part of my work is to listen to my friends more (whole other post). With all my insecurities my girlfriends would probably stop answering the phone if I had to process every little thing with them.
I'm learning to rely on myself, talk myself down, come up with solutions and one time even prevent myself from making a very poor choice! This is doing wonders for my self esteem and confidence too! (New post coming on that too)
In other words....all I do is win win win!
*insert Aaron Rodgers touchdown dance coupled with Beyonce fan blown hair*
I think everyone should try this just give it a try. If you can't look into the camera do it without looking into the camera. But get that shit out! You'll feel so much better!
I've cried, cussed people out, expressed my biggest fears, my accomplishments, my likes/dislikes, done a dance routine totally random shit.
It doesn't matter because it's mine! My videos, my camera, my thoughts, my feelings get tucked into a safe place that I can go if I want to revisit how I was feeling in the moment, or tease apart a core beliefs or look at how much progress I've made.
So I guess this is a long post to just say thanks to Beyonce and that I'm working so hard on myself behind the scenes that I may change my last name to Tarantino because the butterfly that's going to emerge on the other side of this is going to be a beast!
I'm seeing myself with new eyes and growing everyday.
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